3 1/2 Years of Bella

3 1/2 years ago I was turning exactly 23 years old. And I was in labor. And I was entering a world that I now feel is akin to picking one of the pills that lets you into the Matrix. Becoming a parent, a Mom-it changes you like nothing else. Nothing pushes you further mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually. Nothing makes me want to be a better person and nothing causes me to want to pull my hair out more. A friend of mine and I were looking at pictures and of Bella from when she was a baby and she commented that it seems like 5 minutes ago and so long ago at the same time. I couldn't agree more. It goes so fast!

 This post is about my little laughing, dancing, blue-eyed, brown haired, one-natural-red-streak-in-her-bangs-because-she-is-awesome-like-that Isabella.

Things about Bella at this age:

• she's hungry ALL the time-she loves plums, apricots, chocolate, homemade popsicles, chips, and peanut butter
• she begs to wake Isley up so they can play-she LOVES her sister!
• she is a little Momma-loves to tell everyone what to do!
• She loves playing games on our ipod touch
• She lights up a room when she walks in
• She talks, and talks, and talks....;)
• She loves to play outside-with her "best friends" Cookie and Fiji, our adopted kitties. 
• She has started to pray for specific people and friends-it's so sweet! I love watching her grow in her relationship with the Lord-I pray that she will come to know her Savior at a young age!
• She loves to hug but cuddling is still a rarity
• She is extremely compassionate and sensitive to the feelings of others
• She can be very jealous of her sister but she takes such good care of her-sharing her food with her and getting better at sharing her toys-even her favorites!
• She LOVES her grandparents, aunts and uncles and close friends
• She has a flair for fashion-and she will compliment an outfit! lol.
• She can read simple words, she knows some "blends" and can sound out most small to medium sized words if it is phonetically spelled and recognizes that a "sneaky e" makes the vowel long (usually) and the "e" silent. She can count to 39 on her own in English and 20 in Spanish. She recognizes and creates patterns with objects. She can figure out if one word starts with a particular sound, which of 3 options starts with the same sound, with no help. She can name the days of the week on her own and loves to trace letters and learn about numbers. She has memorized a few short Bible verses. 
• She randomly counts and lines things up-a little OCD :)
• She is a BIG help around the house-Her daily "jobs" are: learning to fold her pajamas and put them away, putting silverware away, feeding the kitties, brushing/flossing teeth, brushing hair, picking up toys, asking "How can I help"? at the end of her "jobs". She gets to earn shiny glass pebbles from one jar to another to show her progress in earning a "treat" of choice (usually chocolate)
• She likes to exercise with Mommy-even requesting the exercise video at random to watch and do, lol. Clearly she did not get that from me-I wish I was that motivated!
• She is already wearing 4T, so sad :( I hate to see her grow to fast!)
• I love the way she always looks for the moon in the sky when she gets up early in the morning. 
• I love her silly laugh and her crazy dances
• I love her readiness to thank God for all things as they come 
• I love how her mind works, how God has given her such an inquisitive nature about him which helps me to teach her more about my Savior.

Some of my favorite things she has said:
"are we going to the fall fegtable?" (festival-vegetable, same thing right? lol)
"did you know 3 comes after 4 Mommy? I'll be 4 soon! Mommy, don't make that sad face, it's ok Mommy, I can turn 4!"

We love you Bella! Our sweet Bella boo!

From "A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are: A thousand Gifts"

If you haven't read this book "A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are: A thousand gifts" I DARE you to read it. It will change you.

I want to "count my blessings" to help choose joy.
1. A slumbering babe, swaddled with love.
2. Blissful moonlight on my path.
3. A real newspaper in my hands-sudoku to challenge my mind.
4. A husband who laughs at my silly jokes and snuggles me to sleep.
5. Baby pumpkins atop my grandmother's picnic table on my own front porch.

To be continued...

Connecting the Dots

This morning was not a normal service at our church. We have been at Four Corners Church close to two years now and today our pastor told us his story, starting with when he first came to know Christ all the way to where he is currently feeling God's calling on his life. He did this because after two more weeks he will no longer be filling the role as senior pastor at FCC-he and his family will be moving for a year for him to teach others in a training program and prepare to come back to Atlanta to fulfill a calling God has placed in his heart to reach the people of Atlanta-specifically Little Five Points. He talked about how from the time he was 16 he felt a call to be a "missionary" but that has meant different things throughout his life, and now it seems God is connecting all the "dots" and allowing him to do all the things he has felt called to do-teach, preach, write books, and make friends of sinners in a place that has become a playground for Satan's destruction. There is a lot to this story, and if you'd like to hear it all I'm sure the podcast will be posted later this week here. It's definitely worth a listen-it will blow your mind how God is using Alex and his family for the glory of His kingdom!

So it's fantastic how God is using him and of course we are excited that he is following God's call-out of their comfort zone and straight into God's calling. But let's be honest-it's hard. Hard for the whole church because we have been led so passionately and fervently by such a Godly preacher. On top of that they are in our "gospel community" group (small group) so we have gotten to spend a fair amount of time with them and see that Alex and Jana are just amazing, genuine, God-loving people and there is zero front that they put on for the sake of looking "perfect". I admire and respect them so much for that. We will miss them terribly-but as we have seen with our friends the Barnes who felt called from our church to move to another city and be missionaries there-it will not make them any less a part of our "family" though there is more distance between us.

All the talk of connecting the dots (my words, not his) and how God works things together so perfectly-it caused me to have one of those very few moments where I saw sort of a "big picture" in my own life-and mainly because of one person who heavily influenced me when I was younger to have a heart for sinners, especially those who "look like God wouldn't love them". Bikers, tattooed "freaks" as he lovingly called them, homeless people, etc. That person was Pastor Jimmy Hammett. He helped show me how to love the "unlovable". As I listened to Alex talk about his burden for the people of Little Five Points my mind drifted to a memory of when Pastor Jimmy took myself and a handful of others in my youth group to visit a new church that Jay Baker had started in a coffee shop type place in Little Five-full of all those tattooed, multi-color hair people that Jimmy had such a heart for. I never really thought about it until today. How strange it is that I had been introduced to Little Five Points, and that even though I lived in Zebulon, a WORLD away from that kind of culture. I just accepted it and never thought about the fact that probably not many people from Zebulon have ever even thought about going to a place like Little Five-and here I was a teenager going to eat at the Vortex and mingling with the rough crowd of Atlanta and frankly I loved it. I knew back then that I would never stop having a love for those people, and how even though I didn't look anything like them I loved talking to people different from me-people that love shock value, from the ones I have met. They WANT you to "judge" them-to tell them they are wrong for how they dress and talk and what color their hair is. They want you to judge so they can say "see-you say your Jesus loves everyone but what about me? Does he love people like me?" He does. I still remember Pastor Jimmy bringing his friend who was in Hell's Angels into the church I attended when I was a teen-motorcycles and all one time-INSIDE the building. Jimmy loved to shock people-he seemed to get a certain joy out of watching your reaction. He also had one of the biggest hearts of anyone I've ever known and would sacrifice anything for Christ. Because he GOT it. He got that pretending to be perfect and playing by the rules and dressing formal on Sunday doesn't get you into Heaven. Only Christ does that-and Christ calls us to love EVERYONE-especially the "least of these" which I think Little Five Points probably falls under. So, in summary, today was a very emotional day for me and I cried quite a bit-because I am sad that our pastor is leaving but mostly those tears were of awe and joy for our God-for how he helped me see that going to Little Five Points as a teenager and putting a love in my heart for those people was not coincidence-it was all part of his perfect plan. Those tears came more freely also because I wanted so badly to call up Pastor Jimmy and tell him but I couldn't because he went to be with our Lord a few months ago. I know that he is smiling in Heaven knowing that there is a plan in motion to reach those people that he loved so much-and I am excited to watch it unfold!

These past couple of weeks have been very eye-opening for us. Change is happening in drastic ways-the Lord has shaken us up a bit-first with the skin cancer, now with the church an some other life changes that are still up in the air. He is reminding us that we shouldn't be complacent, that life is short and God is moving and working all over the world and we should be in the midst of it, not watching on the sidelines.

1 Year of Isley

Isley-It's happening.  That time in life when "blink and you'll miss it" is becoming all too true.

With your sister I remember time standing still-I couldn't wait for her to get to the next milestone in life because it was all so new and I was impatient to see what came next. It's different with you-I already know what comes next so I am in no hurry to see the stage you are in pass.  I take advantage of every opportunity to cover you with kisses, sing to you, hold you tight, rock you, make you giggle. You brighten my life every day and I marvel at your constant good demeanor. People ask me often "is she like this all the time??" and  "she's the absolute best baby!" It's true, you are the best baby! You remind me so much of your Daddy, you love to make people laugh and are easy going and easy to make smile :) You have an infectious joy about you-it's so fun to watch you bring smiles to all the people around you.

Sweet, blissful Isley Virginia.

 I cannot believe you are already one year old!! I don't really know how the time flew by so quickly! One thing I do know-you are the perfect addition to our family. You make us all light up-Daddy, Bella and I look forward to playing with you every day. You bring such light to all of our lives!

I love the "crinkly-nose" face that you make and that mischievous grin you give me when you get into something and make a mess!

You love our kitties, books, sweet potatoes, and drinking from real straws. You don't like blueberries, you don't care a thing about learning to walk, you love to shake your head "yes" and "no". You can say "Bella", "papa", "mama", "nooooo", "da-do" (thank you), neigh (for a horse), "mow" (for kitties), and "hello".

You have been to the beach twice and love the water and sand (the sand a little too much-you eat it if given the chance!) You got to see a beautiful wedding on the beach with myself and Daddy. You have lots of sweet friends from church and you don't have much fear of anything. You love your sister and Mommy

BUT I'm pretty certain Daddy is your favorite. You GLOW when he is around.

I pray that the Lord will guide you every step of your life and I thank Him for bringing you into our world and  reminding us perfect his timing is with your presence.

3 Year Old Bella

When you woke on your birthday Daddy and I took 2 dozen balloons and poured them over you several times. You were a bit shocked and didn't know if you liked it but once you woke up a little you ran around saying "I'm so exciting!!" which is Bella speak for "I'm so excitED" When we told you you were three that day you said "I'm 3? I can drive now?! *insert overjoyed happy face here*" You asked where your birthday was-"downstairs??" Then you ran downstairs to "see" your birthday and came back up and asked where it was. I guess you meant was there a party? lol! You also wanted to "eat my birthday" but we told you you can't eat a birthday-only birthday cake.

Personality: I love your passionate personality! You act like such a grown person in such a tiny body. Last week at church they knew it was your birthday but one lady wasn't sure if you were 3 or 4 and she decided you must be four since you speak so well and act older (it's really quite a compliment!) and so you got to go to the big kids class for Sunday School. You thought you were SO big. You have an opinion about everything-I guess you inherited that-I was the same way, I am told. You are also full of emotion-you remind me of the description they give fairies-so tiny you can only feel one emotion at a time! If you are happy, you are entirely happy, and when you are angry-move out of the way!!! That's ok, because I know that it will serve you well someday-all that passion will work in your favor if you channel it for good!

Mentally: You blow me away. In this year you have grown leaps and bounds! You can read a lot of small 2 and 3 letter words. You can spell your name with magnet letters and verbally (as well as my name, because you asked how, lol). You are very aware of your surroundings-just this morning you had my high heels on and you put the bottoms together and very excitedly exclaimed "look Mommy, a triangle!!" I love watching you learn-it's such a beautiful gift. You do not forget a single thing (which can be very good, and not so good other times, lol). You are great at small puzzles, you love painting, drawing, and play-doh creations. It's hard to keep up with you these days-you constantly are making your Daddy and I laugh because you understand so much more than we think you do!

Physically: My, how things have changed in one year. You are a little over three feet tall, your blue eyes have just a twinge of brown/gold in the middle-and still SO much light that shines out. Your hair is long enough to put in pigtails, we are working on growing it out but I did trim it a slight bit to make it all straight ;). You still have your fire red streak of hair you were born with and people often ask me if it's natural because it's so bright! You love to balance on things by holding yourself up with your arms. You jump from couch to tables when you can get away with it. You love shoes-all kinds-especially mine! You tolerate bows in your hair because you get compliments on them. You talk to anyone who you see-telling them your name, birthday, my birthday, Isley's-you usually introduce Isley before you say your own name! You LOVE your little sister. The two of you play together all day long. You wake up wanting to play and you take such good care of her-always offering her food (sometimes good, sometimes not!), toys, etc. You console her in the car saying things like "Isley, it's ok baby, we're almost home" or "here, play with the drum, do you like the drum?!" You are SUCH the little Momma. I know you will be a fantastic Mom someday!

Heart & Soul: This makes me pretty teary-eyed to think of. You have such a compassionate heart. No matter where we are you love to help anyone (big or smaller than you). I often get stories from your Sunday school teachers about how you will bring a child a toy to console them if they are upset or crying. They see your tender heart, and they brag on you!! It makes me such a proud Momma to know that when we send you into a class you not only take care of yourself but others as well. You are starting to ask more questions about God and Jesus like "where is God?" "how does he heal my boo-boos?" etc. It makes me burst with love when I don't have to say a word and you run to me and show me a hurt you got while playing and then your sadness disappears and you confidently say "it's ok, Mommy, don't worry, God will heal it-He will!" (We try explaining to you that God made your body so that it will heal on it's own but I think you might believe it's one of those miraculous type things all the time-which is fine, after all-believe like little children-that's what Jesus says to do!) You hug your friends when you see them. You win a crowd over faster than I could imagine possible. I swear we went to a party a few weeks back and after just an hour or two we had to go and you had 75% of the large crowd of people there telling you goodbye by name-you had never met more than the immediate family who was throwing the party (except maybe as a baby). It's incredible the way you connect with people. You amaze me. You love to sing-and talk-alllllllllllll the time. lol.

This is far from all of what I could write but I just wanted to hit the highlights. I may have to start doing these updates every few months-you are changing so fast it's hard to keep up!
I love you, dearest Isabella Selene-you have my heart.

Birth Story of Isley (Eyes-lee)

I want to write this before I get too busy with life so I can remember it well, though I know most things I will never forget.



Overdue by more than a week-I was pretty desperate to have this baby! Could not sleep well...slipping into the "ice cream medication" state to ease my woes and then Wednesday I finally started having contractions...it sounds crazy to be happy about being in pain but I was quite happy! I asked Kyle to pick up hot wings (because I have heard spicy food helps labor to start) so I would maybe continue having contractions-it worked ;) I had contractions consistently all night, sometimes close together, sometimes 20 minutes apart, never stopping though. We called our doula (I'm not good at explaining what the definition of a doula is but they coach you through your birth, start to finish and help make the atmosphere more relaxing and therefore help you focus on dealing with the stages of birth) and she came and stayed a while and massaged my feet and helped me with staying calm and breathing through contractions. She put on "zen music" and gave me a rice sock (which saved my sanity with the pain I felt in my back with each contraction). She left for a while so we could rest since neither Kyle or I had had much sleep that night and we called her when the contractions got closer together and stronger.

I want to stop right here and say that in all the time Kyle and I have been married he never ceases to amaze me-the birth of our daughter Isley was certainly no exception. Through the whole process he supported me in every way he could, physically and emotionally. I had UNBEARABLE pain in my back during each contraction and the only thing that made it tolerable was if someone put pressure on my back during the contraction. He sat with me and timed the contractions, held my back, massaged me when I needed it-and that was just in early labor. Once we got to the point where we needed to drive to Atlanta to go to the hospital I was 5-6 cm dilated and having strong contractions about every 3 minutes in the car-by the way, labor in the car and Atlanta traffic are not a good mix.

Bella spent the time we were away with her grandmothers and had a ball...though she did miss us I am told. I missed her SO much. I have never been away from her overnight, and two nights felt like eternity...I couldn't wait to get home and hold her, even though I knew she would only have interest for her new sister. The best part about having two kids so far? Watching Bella meet Isley. I swear it was like waking up Christmas morning and getting everything you wished for--THAT is how overthetop excited she was to meet "baby Iswee". She was standing at the window looking out as we came up the porch steps-clapping her hands and saying "baby Iswee?!!!" with the biggest smile in the world. As soon as we opened the door she wanted to hold her- she ran right past me (who, did I mention she has never spent the night away from?) and straight to her sister and laughed the most excited, happy laugh imaginable and hugged her and kissed her and wanted to "get out" of the carseat so she could hold her take care of her. I wish with all my might I could convey how proud that makes me of her...that her heart is so big and loving that we have to remind her to not show "too much" love because she wants to cover her with kisses and hugs! I will forever remember my favorite two girls being introduced-God is so good to me!



But, back to business. I made it to "almost" transition (7ish cm) and we had to decide if we would go to the hospital then or after rush hour...we chose then. Getting to the car was awful. Painful. NofunatALL. Riding in the care was worse. I didn't talk. At all. I breathed deeply a lot, I prayed for getting through traffic and not wrecking. I wanted to make a special lane for pregnant women in labor and get there NOW. We finally got there-Kyle parked the car in front, we weren't sure what to do so he went in to ask. They came back with a wheel chair-we had to go all the way around to the end of this insanely long ramp and I remember every bump hurting and I was exceedingly annoyed with every little crack in the sidewalk. Things like that infuriate you when you are in labor, fyi. My Mom was there-we didn't tell her to come but I'm glad she did. We got to the front desk and they kept asking when I was due, when we told them I was overdue they continued to try to get the specific DATE that I was due-because that's what you ask a pregnant lady who is in the middle of contractions that are coming VERY close together and in EXTREME pain. They wanted my social security number, my name, the list goes on-and all I wanted was to get out of the freaking wheelchair and into a bed away from bright lights and people.

Finally my doula convinced them to let me go to a room first and they could get the rest of the formal info after I got settled. They checked my cervix and I was 7-8 cm (Tracy, always the optimist says, we'll take 8!) And so, I took that 8 because "8" was my goal to get to without pain meds. I told myself (and Kyle) that if I could make it to 8, I read that was the worst pain and if I could handle that what was the point of getting pain medication? (yes, I am an all or nothing kind of girl). I'm not talking about without an epidural, I mean not one SINGLE Tylenol. I had my baby with NO pain medication. Please understand, that was NOT me that made that happen. It was all God. I have HORRID back labor and many times thought about getting medication but I was so very desperate to have a natural birth so that I wouldn't have the awful C-section side effects that I had with Bella's birth.

Side note: At this point I think Blythe arrived-she is our lovely photographer friend who photographed this whole glorious event-not really my style to photograph such a private moment since I am super private about these things but she had recently posted how much she wanted to do birth photography and here I was about to have a baby so I figured the worst that could happen is I would not want to look at the pics later (which is actually not true, I love the work she did and especially the moments captured after Isley came into the world). She was very discreet and left when I asked and was not invasive at all. 

I didn't want to move from the bed but Tracy encouraged me to try other positions to speed the process along. That was VERY difficult for me to do. Having back labor so bad made me want to have something to  press against my back HARD every time I had a contraction which means if I wasn't laying down someone had to be there putting that hard pressure on my back or I couldn't tolerate the pain. I tried several positions and they had to keep adjusting the baby heart monitor they kept trying to keep strapped to my belly (one of the joys of a VBAC birth-you have to have the baby monitored the whole time). The monitor wouldn't stay no matter what they did and so they told my midwife and she decided she would stay and hold the monitor herself so that I could move to whatever position I wanted to without a lot of fuss from the machines. Anjli was my midwife's name and she was an angel-she held that monitor for hours-never leaving my side. I have never heard of or seen such dedication from a doctor-only a true midwife would commit like that. It still blows me away. I have the utmost respect for her. Tracy never lost patience with me either (which is miraculous considering how stubborn I was about staying in the bed) and she knew just what to do to help me through each contraction. Kyle offered me water and kisses whenever it seemed I needed some extra support (which was most of the time) and I labored until we finally got past "transition" to the pushing part. I must say I didn't like transition AT ALL but pushing was super hard too...transition was still worse, just a different kind of pain.

I tried a few different positions for pushing. Between that and keeping in my mind on (hopefully) having a faster labor without medication I was pretty preoccupied for hours. 3 1/2 hours, a LOT of pushing and finally some yelling/praying and a little crying Isley entered the world.  My Mom, Kyle, Tracy, Anjli, Blythe were so supportive and gracious-it was just amazing how surrounded I was with support and love during the whole process. Praise GOD for allowing me the birth I desired to have but even more that he kept Isley safe during the 3 1/2 hours of pushing (the cord was unknowingly wrapped around her neck). After she was born I got to hold her right away and I had that "whole world melts away" except for my Isley's beautiful face feeling. I don't remember the pain disappearing so much as I just was overpowered with joy that she was finally in my arms and safely delivered. Hard to believe we had gotten through the hardest most wonderfully mysterious things life has to offer together-it's still surreal. Kyle and I couldn't have been any more excited! We both held her (Kyle did not cut the cord-he doesn't like blood) and marveled at our tiny beauty. Anjli told me how proud she was of me and I remember thinking there wasn't anyone else I would have wanted delivering my baby-she was a saint. She would later tell me that Isley's birth was one of the most beautiful she had witnessed and that she would always remember it-I took that SO much to heart knowing she has delivered hundreds of babies and I am so thankful to God that he allowed me to share that connection with her.

Now Kyle will not tell you that birth is beautiful, but it is a beautiful thing and I could tell that he had a new found respect for me after going through that whole process in such a raw way. For weeks he would do anything I asked, without hesitation, offer to do things for me, waited on me hand and foot. Not that he doesn't already offer to do things or get things for me (he is pretty amazing) it was just an eagerness to serve me that I noticed as a side effect :)

So, there you have it, the story of our Isley Virginia's debut!

Tonight, we are young

So, I blog a lot about my kids, and motherhood, and homemaking. But every now and then, I am just a girl, wanting to write.

Things I have done recently:

• Rode a merry-go-round with the two most amazing girls in the world
• Laughed with my sister
• Thought of a list of books I want to read (1000 gifts, hunger games, etc.)
• Daydreamed about our upcoming beach trip 
• Caught up with my Ethiopia-bound cousin Emily
• Had a great talk with my Aunt Dana
• Had a lovely dinner with my Aunt Holly & Uncle Bryan
• Hugged my Momma
• Watched my Daddy teach my little girl how to play chess and remembered him teaching me. 
• Made cookies with old besties
• Laughed with my daughters at their sheer silliness
• Pierced my nose-LOVE it! (back in November-but apparently I did not announce it to the world, i.e. FB)
• Looked at pictures of tattoos that I might want-if I ever settle on one I would love for eternity and not get sick of. 
• Danced to a Shania Twain song.
• Got chills listening to the song my love and I danced to at our wedding
• Thanked God for granting me peace in a very specific way...He knows how great even the small things are to us-he is SUCH a good, good Father. 

Grand Canyon

Everybody loves short cuts. A faster way to get from point "A" to point "B". Today more than ever we relish everything that saves us time-fast food, internet shipping, people who make coffee for us. Yes, I love short cuts: especially those entitled "Starbucks"...sigh-kinda wish I had a cup right now!



Facebook is sort of like a social short cut. No phones necessary, not talking over the phone, and my personal favorite-no having to print a thousand REAL pictures so that your friends and family can see your recent adventures.  Of course, even though there are thousands of words a day on facebook and twitter it's also SILENT. By that I mean you don't hear the stories that people don't tell. You don't hear the other kids SCREAMING in the background as that adorable picture of the baby is being taken. The context of those unbelievably perfect family pictures is not disclosed (usually). Sometimes I hate facebook as much as I love it. This is why-it makes us come across as if life just "happens" to be peachy-keen all the time. Don't get me wrong, I say promote the positive and keep the negative at bay but even research studies have shown people get envious, angry, hurt, competitive...over what they do see and think the rest of the world does not struggle like they do.



In real life, some things are fine to use a short cut: algebra, computers, links for websites, but there are some things in life that require a very long, tedious road traveled to arrive where you want to be. Beverly Sills puts it like this: "there are no shortcuts to any place worth going". I have found this to be true for most things in my life. When searching for my future husband-what a LONG, hard, tempting path that was to journey through. So many people taking shortcuts, telling me to not take it so seriously, to forsake my heart's desires for my body's pleasure. That waiting was...excruciating, at times. Worth it? Absolutely. Did I make mistakes? Absolutely! And even though I regret those mistakes you know what? Those mistakes helped me to see that I was not above temptation-that I was just as human as everyone else. For those of you reading that are on that journey still-trying to wade through the dangerous waters of being single in this fallen world, all I can tell you is that the shortcuts are not worth it-and though you have probably made mistakes try and remember that Jesus didn't focus on people's sin that were remorseful and wanted to change, he saw their heart and beckoned for them to turn from that life of pain and guilt and follow him instead. Everything you have done, He knows, and He still loves you-always has, always will. I know that we "know" that, but really, let that sink in. He loves ME. He knows every thought and desire and still, still I am welcome in His arms. I am amazed by that.




So where am I going with this? I am a parent now, well I have been for 2 years, 8 months and 7 days, before that even-ever since I was pregnant with Bella my whole world has changed. It's true what they say-having kids changes EVERYTHING. How I think, how I eat, who I like, who likes me (I can't tell you how many hundreds of people hold conversations with you when you are holding a cute baby on your hip). You think that it would wear off a bit once they get out of the "baby" stage-it doesn't. I check the labels on everything (just about). Because of my girls I cook healthy most of the time even though I am pretty certain Kyle and I could live off of Fajitas, ice cream, cereal and bagel bites for all eternity if given the option.

Now you could chalk this up to me being OCD or something-I'm not. What I am is a person who wants to give my children the best start to life they can have. I don't want to shelter them forever, or make all their decisions for them, or decide what college they will go to (or even if they go to college for that matter). It's bigger than that. I want to give them all the tools to have whatever life they could possibly want. Well, that's not true, I want to give them the tools to have the life CHRIST wants them to have-which is better than anything I or they could ever dream up. I know this because I am living proof. I dreamed up such a wonderful life for myself when I was growing up. I worked hard in school so I could get into some fabulously prestigious school-Harvard, Yale, whatever Ivy League I preferred. I would then meet the man of my dreams, travel around the world, do lots of missionary work, maybe write a few books and most of all make my MARK on this big world. Well, clearly my story did not play out quite that way. And boy am I glad! I certainly don't have that "picture perfect" life.

My days are filled with dirty diapers, blending sweet potatoes and getting baby food sneezed all over me. I have survived some tornado-sized tantrums with my two year old. I have been in tears more than once not knowing what to do next. BUT. Those long, hard days are worth it because parenting is like journeying to some place like the Grand Canyon....and then on to the next wonders of the world, each one more wonderful than the one before.



There are stretches of desert, sometimes you feel like you will never get to the end of the road you are on and then-you catch a glimpse of that view-only your view is seeing your child. Not seeing her on the outside only but realizing that, in that moment, she is the most perfect, wonderful, God-filled person on Earth and you realize she isn't part of your life, you are part of hers. You are helping to script her life so that she can go on to make her mark on the world. And all of a sudden all those long, hard hours and prayers and endless late night book reading on how-to's and what-to-do's to be the best parent you can muster on the 3 hours of sleep you are running on adds up to be worth it.

And you hold on to that moment in your heart, and you know that aside from finding love in your Best Friend, there is just no greater example of how to understand God's love. Because he sees us mess up over and over and over and you think-how can He love me? Because He is our Father. And good Fathers love ALL the time, and they rejoice when we get it right, and they are there to mend when our hearts get broken, and they are compassionate when we do things to break our own hearts. But God has that Grand Canyon, Big Picture view all the time and He knows that there are no shortcuts to our destination. On the contrary, that long journey is what binds us closer to Him, and to each other.

Who's Judging Who?

Today is the first day of the new year-2012!!

And Sunday. One of my favorite days of the week...because in 2011, almost a year ago we started visiting a church called Four Corners that meets in the Alamo bar in downtown Newnan for church services.

No, I am not kidding.

For some people that is bizarre, maybe even offensive. To me, it's brilliant. I have felt the presence of God since the first service we attended and I am still hungry to be more in love with Christ today, which was such a huge answer to prayer because my soul felt stagnant and there was a giant need for change. For the first time in such a long time I feel at home, at peace, knowing I am right where God wants me to be. It was a hard move for us, because we LOVE LOVE the people from our previous church and the amount of Biblical "giants" that we were able to listen and learn from was phenomenal. But, when you feel God calling you to move, you get restless until you find where it is that He wants you. That's when we found Four Corners, and I love the story of how Four Corners came to be. If you want to hear the whole story our Pastor told it in today's service and they post the sermons online. I really feel like we are part of a family at Four Corners and knowing there are people I can come to and depend on is so precious in life-something that only happens when Christ is at the center of it.

One thing that really stood out in today's sermon was how Pastor Alex said he used to care so much about what people thought of him-as if they would be the ones sitting on the throne of God judging him, instead of God himself. He said in seminary he realized that the ministry of Jesus involved actually being FRIENDS (not acquaintances or people we look down on) with prostitutes, poor people, sick people, etc. He realized that the only friends he had were believers...in the name of Jesus! He decided he needed to change that and start being more like Jesus in who he befriended. So, he went to work at the Alamo-and while working there God told him that church would be held in the Alamo...and 3 years ago that's exactly what happened.

Today was our last day of service in the Alamo-and I am pretty sad about that. I know that God has grown Four Corners to the point where we definitely need a bigger facility and has provided in big ways in order to make that happen. I am very glad for our friend Pastor Alex and Jana Early because I know this will relieve some of the stress of preaching THREE services back to back every single week (I have NO earthly idea how he manages to do that, especially with two kids the ages of ours!) So, it's a wise move, a necessary one...all the same though, I will miss having church at the Alamo. I never thought I would have an attachment to a bar, but I do. I am very thankful for the owner of the Alamo, Amy Murphy, because even thought I have never met her, she has changed our lives and the lives of countless others by allowing us to use The Alamo to meet to worship in.

Being the first day of the New Year I have been thinking about what I want my life to be like more than normal and today's sermon really hit home for me. I don't let what other's think control me but I do worry about what people may say or think about me if I was in the wrong place or hanging out with the wrong people. That is going to change in 2012. I will not let fear of what others say or think of my get in the way of genuinely loving people and showing people what Christ would be doing if he was still walking the Earth. Because, if we let him,  He is walking, talking, LIVING here on Earth through the Holy Spirit in US. Let 2012 be a year of living genuinely, for Christ, serving Him because He served us first, Loving others because He didn't turn anyone away, remembering that people need to know we bleed too, we are not just prototype Jesus clones, we are human and only do good through the help of Christ in us.

Happy New Year!

Helpful Hints from Holly

Gotta make this short and sweet but here are a few ways I have found to help streeeetch our budget to cover our expenses.

• Mint.com-life/time saver. Keeps track of everything, including student loans, credit cards, even has a way to implement cash spent-brilliant and FREE.
• THINK- before I buy anything right now I try to think about if I would rather be spending that money on something else, i.e. Do I really need to spend $10 on lunch for just me? that means I won't have that $10 when I need it to put towards date night-when I think of something I would rather put the money toward it loses it's appeal and I usually don't splurge on it. 
• Can I make that?- I will take something homemade over store bought any day-and so will just about anyone when it comes to gifts (at least women do!) I make it a habit to hand make cards, for instance, which might not seem like a big deal but if you get a Hallmark Card it will cost you at least $3, usually 5 or 6! 
• Home Cookin Preferred!- Yes, it does take more time to prepare but it's almost always cheaper and more fun especially if you have kids-just small things like making real lemonade instead of paying $10 or whatever ridiculous price you would pay at restaurant for a gallon. Allrecipe.com is my favorite for meals.
• Use the Internet for all it's worth!- some people say that cutting out the internet in your budget will save you money because you don't "need" it, but I wholeheartedly disagree. I have saved more time and money through the internet that it's well worth it's spot in my budget. Do It Yourself blogs, sites, Youtube and even just asking on FB for advice has saved us hundreds of dollars when it comes to repairing or making something ourselves rather than calling a specialist. Not to mention there is an answer to just about any need you could have-Google is my favorite money saver.
• Ride the bus-Yeah, I know it's a bit of a pain but Kyle recently has started using a Park and Ride bus that goes from Newnan (the stop is about 5 miles from our house) to Atlanta. By doing this we save money on gas, parking, car maintenance and wear and tear, etc. Plus, it give Kyle a stress free drive to and from work so he can read and have some time to himself. 
• Use an Insurance Agency-Insurance agencies take your info and get quotes from all different companies who you would normally have never even heard of. The companies bid lower because they know the agency has the ability to compare prices from everyone else and they want the Agent to recommend their business so they can have you as a customer. Also, they handle all the details for you and will help you find a place that you can have a combined Home and Auto Insurance bundle which saves you money too. I called my agency today (The Harbin Agency) and asked if we could get a lower rate since Kyle is only driving a few miles now instead of to Atlanta (due to the bus) and we are getting a rebate check in the mail and a significant cut in our monthly bill. FREE-and saves you time and hassle-they do all the work!
• Ditch Cable-seriously. Who needs it? With Hulu and just about every major tv channel having their own websites where you can watch full episodes free it's just not justified to pay for tv anymore. If you have kids, take them to the library and let them pick out movies and shows to watch-it's free and they won't be watching all those commercials that market toys they don't need. Besides all that who gets anything done with cable? Not me. Life's too short to spend it watching tv all day.
• Facebook Saving- For real-most companies now have Facebook sites and they advertise specials, offer giveaways and coupons.
• Coupons-you can do the AJC newspaper ad thing and go to CouponMom.com for tutorials on how to maximize on that system but you can also print coupons for groceries and retail stores.
• Promo Codes- There are promo codes for just about everything-when buying anything online go to RetailMeNot and check for a promo code before buying. 
• Buy Refurb-even Apple sells refurbished products-almost all electronic sites have a section for this, you just have to find it-it can save you hundreds of dollars and usually you get the same warranty as if it were brand new. We bought a lawn mower at the end of the summer last year "refurbished" (John Deere, not a cheapo brand) and paid less for it than any of the lesser quality brand tractors, just because someone bought it and returned it and the factory had to fix it and send it back. It works perfectly and came with the warranty. Totally the way to go.
• Clearance-always, ALWAYS check clearance before buying full price merchandise. I went to BabyGap to buy clothes for Bella and ended up paying only $3 for some of her clothes...you can almost always get the brand or quality you want of something, you just have to wait for it to go on sale!
• Phantom  Power Usage- pull the plug on your unused electronics! (google it and see how much money you are wasting-you'll be more inclined to take the time to unplug things!
• Craigslist and Freecyle- Craigslist has been great for large purchases we need to make but don't have the money to buy new-like we got our washer/dryer via Craigslist and one of our cars-and made a few friends in the process! You have to be careful about it but it's worth it. Freecycle is amazing! People give away SO MUCH -you just have to be available to go get it. Usually people will hold items for you if you really need it.

That's all for now-baby woke up-hope this helps some of you out! Share any money savers you know too :)

"Two Old"

My Bella, when I ask you how old you are you say "TWO old" but my heart breaks because I feel like two is TOO old. 

I have never thought two was too old until now, when my own baby is more a child than a baby, more independent than dependent on Mommy. Lately everything you do seems so grown up and I find myself gladly cuddling and sharing the bed with you when there are storms or you have a bad dream because I know you only get bigger every day and I won't be able to hold you tight forever. I used to long for you to reach your next milestone, excited for you to grow bigger and smarter, but I find myself holding back, not wanting you to move too quickly to the next thing...I wish I could linger for a bit, just hold you right where you are for a little while. It doesn't exactly help that I am so pregnant with your little sister and I know that soon I will have another baby filling my arms and competing for my attention and I will have to divide my time with you and her...which is wonderful in so many ways but kind of makes me want to cry right now knowing how quickly life is passing and seeing you changing every single day.

For the record, I have never been a super emotional person, but every day that you learn something new or do something on your own I don't know whether to cheer or cry. This morning you (accidentally) made me burst into tears. We were sitting at the table, eating orange danish and enjoying Mother's Day when I said something to the affect of, "eat up, baby" and you looked at me and said "I not baby, Mommy" to which I turned to your Daddy in disbelief and my eyes got a bit misty and then you said "I two years old" and that did it...I completely lost it and just cried right in front of you and Daddy. I wanted to cry all morning, every time I thought about those words and how true they are. In reality, I know you are still a baby in many ways, but I just couldn't believe you could verbalize that you aren't really a baby anymore. I know this but in my heart I know you will always be mine and Daddy's baby...our first born love.

In your growing up, simply put, you amaze me. I truly wonder what another whole year will bring if you already have learned so much by two years old. By around 16 months you knew all the letters of the alphabet and soon after you learned all the sounds that go along with them. You like to count to ten in English and Spanish. You don't care much for colors, haven't figured that out yet, lol. You like puzzles but need help...you have tried Play-Doh but haven't figured it out on your own. Drawing is fun for you and playing with tea cups and toy food is always a favorite. 

I want to tell you some things about you at Two so you know what a special time this is in life and how much you have grown in just one year. You are incredibly inquisitive...lots of "who'sat?" and "what'sat?" Everything is interesting to you. You have a huge heart and sense of compassion for others when they are upset or hurting...just last week you were crying so much I thought you were hurt but you just were upset that another little girl was upset. You are working on learning how to share...it's a work in progress ;) Your favorite things to play with are your babies, feeding them bottles, cheerios, and "shushing" them so they can go to sleep. Lately you even sing to them "byo, byo" and "sweet chariot" which is extra sweet to listen to your precious voice singing. You sing a lot about all sorts of things, even if you are asking for crackers you sing it to me instead of asking me in just a question and I love it, it is super sweet and funny. You love to slide, run, play outside, rock in your rocking chair on the front porch, and to color. You love to eat yogurt and berries, pizza & rolls (like your Daddy), bagels for breakfast, animal crackers for snack and homemade smoothies. 

I pray for you...for your future, for you and your sister to be the best of friends, for God to allow you to feel every bit as loved as you should even after we have another daughter. I pray for your future husband, that the Lord will shape him and you to become the people He wants you to be, that He will show Kyle and I how to be the best parents to you to help make you that person. It's not easy being a parent to a two year old...there are plenty of times that we mess up, say or do the wrong thing, are too strict or too lenient, but just know that we are trying our best, because you are worth every bit of hard work and frustration that goes into parenting.

Above all else, dearest Bella, you are the bright spot in your parents' life. Every day is more fun and beautiful with you in it. Every day I am thankful for your joy and humor and constant love. When the rest of the world is going to pieces, I can still look at you and know that there is good in the world and that God is going to use you to do GREAT things as you grow and follow Him. It excites me to be a witness to your life. I love you, my "two old" child, more every day.

That "In-Betweenness"

I am so thankful right now. Thankful for the days like today that I am extraordinarily covered in blessings that all I have to whine about is that my A/C only works downstairs (bizarre, but true). When the thing that keeps me awake at night is that Kyle and I are too picky/indecisive to pick the perfect name for our soon to be daughter (9 more weeks!! EEK!) These things are troubling to my brain but when I stop and talk to other people, or just think of the many troubles of the world, I kind of want to laugh at myself. When is life any sweeter than now? Sure we have bills, and student loan payments that eat our paycheck alive. Sure we have dreams we can't afford to make happen. But seriously? At the end of the day, when we sit at home and eat our hot dogs in the living room because it's too hot in the kitchen and congratulate each other on not spending any money or gas to go anywhere...it just warms my heart to think God has brought us far enough that we are GLAD when we don't spend money instead of CRYING over the money we don't have. 

We have a little girl who is the sweetest, smartest, FUNNIEST person I have ever met. She makes me laugh when she asks her Daddy if she can try on his pants while we fold laundry...and HE makes me laugh for indulging her and I get to watch her waddle around holding up pants ten thousand times too big for her little beautiful body. I love that I have friends who can spend the night with us and I feel at home enough with them that I can do laundry and cook a cheap but yummy dinner and we are all good with just watching a movie in our 80 degree bedroom and not have to apologize because she knows that "this is life" and that's just how we roll. I ADORE that I have friends I have reconnected with that I get to go help clean their house so they can come home from the hospital with their precious bundle of joy and not have to think about anything to do but love on that sweet new baby. What a JOY. God is just so so GOOD and when I lose track of that I hope I come back to this post later and remember that life is not about everything being "just so" or all the socks being matched and put away...if I spent more time with my daughter than I did my dishes, and if I taught her that it's more important to help others even if I'm tired and pregnant and have family drama-well, that is what really matters. Being thankful is so good for the soul. (And Norah Jones playing in the background helps). 

Life at 4am

I always did do my best work late at night...maybe blogging is that way too. It's been over a month since my last blog entry-a lot has happened. The biggest thing is that my (older) brother, Kent, got into a severe car accident. He was in ICU for a month and he is now at a wing of Emory for rehab though the physical rehab has not even started...he's still trying to work his way off of using the trach they had to put in. I have been to see him many times but haven't seen him "awake" though he has been for a few weeks. To be honest, I'm scared to see him awake. Kent was never afraid of anything. I have rarely seen him upset about anything-always a tough guy. I think if I meet his gaze after not seeing him awake for so long I might just lose it and cry, the way I did that first week they told us "he's probably not going to live through today." There is nothing wrong with a good cry over someone you love, but I don't want to bring him sadness when I see him, I want to be encouraging, to lift his spirits and not let him see any more pain. It's not that I fear death for him now because he has fought hard to stay alive, it's that I have been told he feels depressed and wants to go home and I know that won't happen for at least another 2 months...and Kent's not the sort to be patient. Most of you don't know my brother-never met him or perhaps even knew he existed before this incident...he and I are not "close"...we haven't been since we were very little. We are not on bad terms or anything, we just have usually been at very different places in life and see the world in our own way. We are tied together by humor, love, and a competitive spirit for most things, especially chess (he is so stinking good at chess). He has one of the biggest hearts in the world and the last time I saw him outside a family function was when he volunteered to come fix a leaky pipe at my house an hour away from where he lives. He is very selfless when it comes to helping people he loves, and has always had a sense of wanting to make me proud as my big brother-I recently reread some letters he wrote me when he was far from home and longing to be back and couldn't come to my high school graduation. He was very sad that he couldn't make it and promised to be at my next one (a promise he kept). Unfortunately I have spent the majority of my life focusing on the mistakes he has made instead of remembering the good things he has done...obviously at a time of crisis like this it makes me stop and remember that no matter what has happened before, I love my brother, and I am so thankful he is still alive and for that I know I owe gratitude to God, and to all of you who have prayed and continue to pray for him and for the thousands of people who have prayed that I will never know about. Because in the end, although it's easiest to see life through my eyes, I try to look at it through the eyes of his wife, and son, knowing that it means so much more for him to make it to his son's graduation and milestones in life than for any other reason I could want to keep him around. I pray that he can use that as motivation to press on, to not give in to the depression he is feeling and to fight not only for his life to be reclaimed but to be able to be a part of his family's life again. I simply can't imagine life without my husband, and especially for Bella and our new baby girl-they need their Daddy and I know that my nephew needs his. I will keep praying for him, I hope you will too.

One Step Closer

Every now and then I stop and realize that a project that I have completed is one step closer to that feeling that our house is becoming a home. Today I got to experience that :) I bought glass jars to store our dry foods in and I hand made some simple labels for them. It's such a small difference but it makes me happy every time I look at them. It's just one thing that echoes what we love, and it makes our house have a little more of that 

ambiance I am looking for.

Little Things

So lately I have been finding some pretty amazing blogs for coupling organization with real life and getting inspired to be organized in creative but functional ways. I have found lots of doable (and affordable) ideas that I am excited to try this year! I decided that I would start using Mason jars to store things until I can afford the coveted OXO brand system (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B0029096ZO/ref=dp_image_text_0?ie=UTF8&n=284507&s=kitchen ). So, in my attempt to start this new and fun venture I discovered that a colony of moths have decided to camp out where I keep my stash of rice and beans. >:( Yeah, it didn't make me too happy because I had to throw pretty much all of it away, even my pricey jasmine rice. However, this did reinforce to me that I do need a better storage system, one that is moth-proof. Oh, and if you want to read up on the latest blog I have fallen in love with it's called TheInspiredRoom.net.

Today I am also bravely tackling taking down the Christmas tree so that the hubs (and I) will have more free time this weekend to spend together. :)

Bella is still pitching fits these days but they are more spaced out and Kyle and I are reading up on parenting books and praying for guidance on how to deal with the fits. Other than that she is doing really well dealing with all the craziness that has been going on around here. I am always more emotional and in clean-freak mode when I am pregnant, poor child has to deal with me all day. She is learning a lot and loves to help me around the house with laundry and cooking and she is beginning to grasp that her Mommy has a baby in her tummy...I know this because she asks to "hold it" when I point to my tummy and tell her to say hi to the baby! I tell her it's too little to hold yet, but later she can :) She's so cute...I just love her to pieces!

Christmas was amazing. We got to see my family and Kyle's on separate weekends so we got plenty of time with everyone. Bella got tons of cute toys and she is still getting used to having so many options of things to play with! I feel like we really got to enjoy the season of Christmas this year and focused more on spending time with each other and making memories than on the rush-rush that comes with gifts and people. Pictures are on FB if you haven't seen them yet.

Oh, and btw Kyle got his new job! He starts in February and he is working for a different contractor this month due to some changes at CFA. He even got a raise for this month and will get an even bigger raise when he moves to his new job! Praise the Lord! He is so good and we are so blessed!

Nothing Left to Wish For

I know I'm awake but really sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. It's been forever since I have posted a new blog...not because I forgot, just because I don't know how to say what I want to. Everything we have dreamed of is happening. We have a beautiful home for our Bella to grow up in along with a new little bebe growing in me as I type. Kyle finished his Master's Degree in Information Systems and now, he has gotten a new job which he will start in February. I know it's the week of Christmas but everything I have wanted (including a DSLR camera which I haved ached for forever) has already been given to me. It's been a few weeks since the changes have happened but I still can't quite believe it all. God is SO good, and I am SO small I just wonder sometimes how he could be orchestrating so much before we even know we need it.

Like with this job, if Kyle hadn't decided a year ago to go get his Master's, he wouldn't be getting this job and if he hadn't been in the middle of his getting his degree he probably wouldn't be in a level 3 position right now, and if he wasn't level 3 he would be getting a pay decrease and we would start paying for health insurance at the end of this week because his contracting company happened to get booted out by the end of December.

Also, with this new job we can afford for me to stay home next year and take care of the new baby. I can't tell you how much this means to me. I think it's quite possibly the most important thing in the world to get to spend that one on one time at home, as much as I love my job at the preschool, I am a Wife and Mother first.

On that note, being a Mother is very rewarding but very hard emotionally. I used to marvel at how parents were surprised when their children changed from one day to the next...I thought, surely they knew this was coming, right? Kids don't stay little forever, they have to change some time. But now I have become one of those parents. Isabella decided this week that she does not want my help any more when it comes to meal time, even messy, hard to eat foods like yogurt. I recognize in my mind that she needs to go through this stage, that I have to cheer for her as she becomes more independent but on the inside, I cry. Okay, and on the outside too. I know this means she is one step closer to bigger changes and I am so proud, but so scared because I want to freeze time. Freeze her silly phrases of "oh boy" and "I SEE you!!" and her excitement when she sees her Daddy, and the WAY that she says "Daddy" with such love and fun and innocence. Freeze her big, blue eyes and the way that she can hold my full attention just by looking at me with so much love. I need to capture every second in my heart and keep it there forever. Remember how this weekend when she opened her presents she loved every second of it. She said "oh! I LIKE it!" as she discovered her first puzzles and her eyes glowed when she got her very own baby stroller and it just was so wonderful to watch her eyes light up and say "WOW" when her Aunt Rachael set up her own little lady bug house to play in. I think more than anything though, I love watching her learn about Jesus. Just the small things like having a nativity scene and she gets so excited over baby Jesus, and the "wangel" and Mary and Joseph and the little farm animals. I love that when I sit in line at Starbucks I envision future years where she can learn the real fun is in giving, not receiving...I dream of her heart bursting to make someone else's Christmas full and beautiful. While she sleeps, I dream.

I dream for our unborn Baby, too. I wonder if it will be a boy or girl. What kind of personality and heart it will have. I wonder at how Bella will change when she has someone to look after. I hope that they are the best of friends. That they will encourage and help each other through life, and that at the end of the day, no matter what has happened, that they know in their hearts they will always stand by each other and be glad they have a forever friend. I look forward to relishing the baby days again...of marking the "firsts" for our new child, being careful to not let Bella feel left out.

There is so much in the world that a person can wish for but really, this Christmas, I have nothing left to wish for.

Change is in the air

Walking outside today is the only way I know to express the sensation in our little family right now. A change is in the air. Just like the weather, it has not completely given way to Fall but you can tell it's coming. Life is like that for us right now.

Kyle has three weeks...err, 18 days til he is FINISHED with grad school and will officially be a Master of Information Systems!!! This change is quite welcome because it has be a stressful thing to have to work full time, help me with Bella, and still find time to do school most days. Words cannot express how incredibly proud I am of him for making such a sacrifice for us so that he can support us financially and allow me to be a stayathomeworkparttimebecauseilovemyjob Mom. Aside from all that, though, as we have learned from graduating with a Bachelor's degree, the scary part is ahead...will that little piece of paper equal earning more money than what it cost to attain that education? I think so, but "in this economy" you just can't guarantee it. However, I choose to ignore the economy issue and focus on what really matters- putting faith in God that he will open whatever doors he sees fit. He has always provided for us in miraculous ways and I don't see why that would change now.

As for me I am fortunate enough to still have my position as a preschool teacher at SWC Preschool. It is my favorite thing (workwise) and I love that the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people to work with and that I learn so much from by just being in the same space. There is just nothing like seeing a child's eyes light up because you taught them something new or fun. For those of you wondering my sweet child is just down the hall in the nursery and is completely happy being there because the ladies take SUCH good care of her. I couldn't ask for a better situation for us both.

Being at the preschool has led me to many thoughts on what to do next year, however, because Bella will be 2 (really...does this not shock anyone else but me??? I cannot possibly fathom being a mother of a two year old in less than a year) when May rolls around. That means if I stay at my job, which I would love to do, then we have to choose whether to put her in the "Two's" class for Tues/Thurs or leave her in nursery all three days. Now for most people I'm sure this is not that hard of a decision but I have thought long and hard about it because to put her in a class means making her (almost) the very youngest in the whole class and waiting til next year she would be the oldest. Since we share the exact same birthday (awesome) I know first hand what it is like to be the oldest in a group of kids. Sometimes its great...sometimes not so much. You feel like you don't belong pretty frequently. But I don't know what being the youngest is like...probably challenging. But then if you have been around Bella lately she certainly is not daunted by a challenge. lol. So for now I think I am leaning towards letting her try the 2's class, just for fun because they do a lot of cute and fun projects that I know she would love and it would give us an idea of how she handles being the youngest in a group.

Bella.

What to say? She has grown so much. She already is in size 6 shoe! She is saying so many words and phrases. She loves learning. Reading books is ALWAYS on the daily list of things we do because many days (like this morning) while I am still lying in bed relaxing she goes in her room and brings multiple books for me to read to her while she sits in my lap all cozy. She has the best laugh in the world and a smile that floods my heart with joy every time I see it. Our favorite game with her right now is when she says "RUNnnnn" and she runs away and we chase after her all over the house. So.stinkin.cute. the way she runs with her arms above her head and a big grin on her sweet face. Her vocabulary is growing faster than I can keep up but some of her latest favorite things to say are her friends names: "Lucy" "Emmy" "Bowen" and she tries to say Gracie and Caleb but those are harder. The cutest thing she says right now is when she lifts up her arms and gives the wide eyed stare while saying "Hold YOU??" ...meaning she wants YOU to hold HER but she just repeats what I say when I ask "do you want me to hold you?" It melts my heart. I cannot even describe how much I love hearing her say it.

She likes shapes right now. She is pretty good with Circle, Square, Rectangle and Diamond and Heart. She pointed to my shorts this morning (which have little white hearts on them) and said "Heart" and pointed to her chest and said "beat beat, beat beat"...which I taught her a few weeks ago but I swear this girl doesn't forget a thing.

MONEY.

It's 11:19. Sleep calls, and so does my unpacked lunch for myself and Bella to be made. I should be doing that, or dishes, or anything else productive but sometimes, I just need to write.

So write I do.

I used to think the older you got the more simple life became (due to getting past hurtles and moving on). It seemed logical to me. Now, not so much. I have learned that the Bible is right in saying not to worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own. Planning is good, worrying, not so much. I have never what one would call a "worrier" no, not in the true sense of the word. As of late, though, I have been letting things worry my finite mind and unfortunately what weighs me down pulls those closest to me with them. I feel like I am going through professional identity crisis, only I don't really care so much about the identity part, just about the making money to contribute part. Money money MONEY. I don't care what anyone says, money matters. Not that it's the most important thing, just that it is actually important. We are called to be good stewards, and I believe that to be true of everything, money included.

So. My crisis comes because I can no longer choose just any profession I please to make money. I must keep my full time job as a Mom and Wife in the primary slot but still need a job that can give income year round to help pay off pesky loans and save for rainy days. This leads us to not so much what I should do but HOW can I do this? I was inspired to try my hand at writing articles but I am not so hot at that (yet). I am trying focus groups, which I love actually. I do not mind work, I enjoy it usually, I just would like a "niche" if you will, a corner of the professional world that belongs to me that I can do without limiting my #1 passions.

Well, anywho, so whenever I am kind of in a rut it's hard for me to keep things straight around the house because I already feel defeated before I begin. Sorry that sounds so depressing, but really I just am enough of a perfectionist that if I am failing at one thing it taints everything else. Now if you actually have been around for the past couple months you could clearly see we have been CRAZY blessed with everything I have ever wanted. Strong marriage, beautiful baby, cute house, promotions for Kyle so I could stay home with Bella (most of the time). I mean, really, there is nothing to complain about what.so.ever.

But then...there is just that nagging inside. I just want to pull my own weight financially, ya know? Be a team player. Maybe it's just because Kyle is working SO hard at his job and on a Master's Degree and side jobs that I feel like I need to even out the scale a bit, but honestly I just want to be out of debt, pronto! I hate owing anyone anything.

I will be praying for God to fulfill our needs and passions simultaneously.

Keep an open mind

This Monday morning finds me in a very wondering way. There are so many things that are just a matter of perspective, and how you are willing to change your mindset to fit a given perspective, that alter your life forever. This morning I am wondering why I have the perspectives that I do, and once I get to the root of that...then I wonder if the perspective I have is correct or in need of some tweaking. I suspect the latter. I will try not to get too deep into it but I find that the longer I am a Mother, the more I love it. That seems to be true for most ppl but the thing I wonder is, why do I have the boundaries that I do around being a mother? Like, how many children do I want to have seems to pop in my head quite frequently and I can't really come to a good answer. I love having just one, precious baby to dote on but every day I realize how fast she grows and that even though I love her and am proud of her each time she reaches a different milestone how much I can't fathom never getting to experience the previous stages again...which leads me to believe that I certainly do want another...but then what? What about after the second? And why does there need to be such a determined number? Now of course I immediately shift from nostalgia to memories of nausea because my pregnancy with Bella was anything but pleasant the majority of the time (not to mention gaining WAY too much weight than was necessary...oh, and the lovely c-section recovery time...) but, ASIDE from all that drama, children are such a blessing, I would argue the very biggest blessing, aside from a wonderful spouse, and why would we limit that? Finances, space, car capacities? These all are very real obstacles in the long run if you are a family like the Duggars and you happen to have 20ish kids running around but somehow they manage...and by somehow I mean God provides for them in abundance. They are not unhappy in their marriage, their children, while sheltered are still better behaved than the average 2.5 kid household and they seem to really understand the importance of things that MATTER instead of fighting over who gets to play Nintendo next. I really don't know what all of this means or if I have just been reading too many blogs about how wonderful life is with many little ones under foot but I guess what I want is not necessarily the size of the family so much as the size of the faith those families have. They trust God completely. I would like to say that I do but I don't think it's fair to say that when I am scared to death to grow out of our cute little 3 bedroom house and have to move. Logically, I know that it would not be that big of a deal, but truthfully it makes my heart ache to think of such a big change. Well, one more thing to pray about...time is slipping away and I must shower before that one child of mine awakes :)

The first will not be forgotten

This blog is Ode to Isabella Selene.

Bella, I know you will not read this until much later, and I know you probably won't understand it until you have a child of your own, but my heart is so full that I must write what I feel or I fear I will never get to tell you all that I know and love about you in your first year of life.

When I first met you I marveled at everything you did...every look, expression, movement of your tiny fingers. I took note that you were both very strong and very observant and often had an expression of "awe" upon your darling face and made a very distinct "O" with your little lips. At first I thought it was just me who marveled at your beautiful blue eyes and your adorable features but I soon ventured into the world with you nestled in my arms, my constant companion, and I learned I was not alone in my admiration. Everywhere I go people want to stop and look at you, talk to you, even offer to take you home! I thought having a baby was going to be this thing that was always so much harder than it looked but though there are hard moments I must say you make everything more fun...even going to the grocery store is enjoyable when you are with me!

Your Daddy and I have taken you many places! To the beach twice already, to the park often, to the aquarium which you liked I think, to the doctor for shots :(, to restaurants and parties and even to the movies a couple of times! You have been to beautiful weddings and seen stunning sunrises. You have swam in pools and swung in a swing. We love taking you places and watching your big blue eyes light up with excitement!

You are so smart and sweet and incredibly social and I love the way you bring joy to whoever we happen to be around. I don't understand how one little baby could bring so many people joy but you do...you are such a joy, dearest Bella, and I could not be more proud of you. I love your laugh, I love your pout, I love how you play peek-a-boo with me and Daddy with your favorite blanket. I love that you stand at our screen door and delight in "quacking" a the cat because animals are your favorite thing! I love how when you reach for someone it makes their face light up. I love that you are a part of our friends just as much as we are and that you are fun to bring to parties, get togethers and that even at a funeral you can make people smile.

Some things about you right now: you love yogurt, blueberries, ice cream, phones, shoes, animals, babies, riding your pink horse, putting things in water glasses, crawling under and over things. You hate: sand on your feet, the feeling of grass, squash, being ignored, having your diaper changed, being held back from what you want!! You love going to the nursery at church while I work and bouncing in the little bouncy chair. You say the words "Mama" "Dada" "ba(ll)" "uh-oh" and "WOW." You are not walking really yet but you have attempted it twice already!

This year our birthday falls on a VERY busy week. There are other birthdays, graduations, parties, events, and Mother's Day this week...oh, and we are trying to buy a house for you to have to grow up in and have a yard to play in but somehow all of that seems less important than your birthday. This is a celebration of your first year of life, and no matter how hectic things get, I will focus on you for the day and I will show you as much love as humanly possible and take pictures, and even though you won't remember it, I will, and your birthday will not be forgotten...because you are an unforgettable person and that is worth celebrating!

I love you, Isabella Selene, my precious daughter...you have my heart!
Love your Mommy