Life at 4am

I always did do my best work late at night...maybe blogging is that way too. It's been over a month since my last blog entry-a lot has happened. The biggest thing is that my (older) brother, Kent, got into a severe car accident. He was in ICU for a month and he is now at a wing of Emory for rehab though the physical rehab has not even started...he's still trying to work his way off of using the trach they had to put in. I have been to see him many times but haven't seen him "awake" though he has been for a few weeks. To be honest, I'm scared to see him awake. Kent was never afraid of anything. I have rarely seen him upset about anything-always a tough guy. I think if I meet his gaze after not seeing him awake for so long I might just lose it and cry, the way I did that first week they told us "he's probably not going to live through today." There is nothing wrong with a good cry over someone you love, but I don't want to bring him sadness when I see him, I want to be encouraging, to lift his spirits and not let him see any more pain. It's not that I fear death for him now because he has fought hard to stay alive, it's that I have been told he feels depressed and wants to go home and I know that won't happen for at least another 2 months...and Kent's not the sort to be patient. Most of you don't know my brother-never met him or perhaps even knew he existed before this incident...he and I are not "close"...we haven't been since we were very little. We are not on bad terms or anything, we just have usually been at very different places in life and see the world in our own way. We are tied together by humor, love, and a competitive spirit for most things, especially chess (he is so stinking good at chess). He has one of the biggest hearts in the world and the last time I saw him outside a family function was when he volunteered to come fix a leaky pipe at my house an hour away from where he lives. He is very selfless when it comes to helping people he loves, and has always had a sense of wanting to make me proud as my big brother-I recently reread some letters he wrote me when he was far from home and longing to be back and couldn't come to my high school graduation. He was very sad that he couldn't make it and promised to be at my next one (a promise he kept). Unfortunately I have spent the majority of my life focusing on the mistakes he has made instead of remembering the good things he has done...obviously at a time of crisis like this it makes me stop and remember that no matter what has happened before, I love my brother, and I am so thankful he is still alive and for that I know I owe gratitude to God, and to all of you who have prayed and continue to pray for him and for the thousands of people who have prayed that I will never know about. Because in the end, although it's easiest to see life through my eyes, I try to look at it through the eyes of his wife, and son, knowing that it means so much more for him to make it to his son's graduation and milestones in life than for any other reason I could want to keep him around. I pray that he can use that as motivation to press on, to not give in to the depression he is feeling and to fight not only for his life to be reclaimed but to be able to be a part of his family's life again. I simply can't imagine life without my husband, and especially for Bella and our new baby girl-they need their Daddy and I know that my nephew needs his. I will keep praying for him, I hope you will too.

One Step Closer

Every now and then I stop and realize that a project that I have completed is one step closer to that feeling that our house is becoming a home. Today I got to experience that :) I bought glass jars to store our dry foods in and I hand made some simple labels for them. It's such a small difference but it makes me happy every time I look at them. It's just one thing that echoes what we love, and it makes our house have a little more of that 

ambiance I am looking for.

Little Things

So lately I have been finding some pretty amazing blogs for coupling organization with real life and getting inspired to be organized in creative but functional ways. I have found lots of doable (and affordable) ideas that I am excited to try this year! I decided that I would start using Mason jars to store things until I can afford the coveted OXO brand system (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B0029096ZO/ref=dp_image_text_0?ie=UTF8&n=284507&s=kitchen ). So, in my attempt to start this new and fun venture I discovered that a colony of moths have decided to camp out where I keep my stash of rice and beans. >:( Yeah, it didn't make me too happy because I had to throw pretty much all of it away, even my pricey jasmine rice. However, this did reinforce to me that I do need a better storage system, one that is moth-proof. Oh, and if you want to read up on the latest blog I have fallen in love with it's called TheInspiredRoom.net.

Today I am also bravely tackling taking down the Christmas tree so that the hubs (and I) will have more free time this weekend to spend together. :)

Bella is still pitching fits these days but they are more spaced out and Kyle and I are reading up on parenting books and praying for guidance on how to deal with the fits. Other than that she is doing really well dealing with all the craziness that has been going on around here. I am always more emotional and in clean-freak mode when I am pregnant, poor child has to deal with me all day. She is learning a lot and loves to help me around the house with laundry and cooking and she is beginning to grasp that her Mommy has a baby in her tummy...I know this because she asks to "hold it" when I point to my tummy and tell her to say hi to the baby! I tell her it's too little to hold yet, but later she can :) She's so cute...I just love her to pieces!

Christmas was amazing. We got to see my family and Kyle's on separate weekends so we got plenty of time with everyone. Bella got tons of cute toys and she is still getting used to having so many options of things to play with! I feel like we really got to enjoy the season of Christmas this year and focused more on spending time with each other and making memories than on the rush-rush that comes with gifts and people. Pictures are on FB if you haven't seen them yet.

Oh, and btw Kyle got his new job! He starts in February and he is working for a different contractor this month due to some changes at CFA. He even got a raise for this month and will get an even bigger raise when he moves to his new job! Praise the Lord! He is so good and we are so blessed!

Nothing Left to Wish For

I know I'm awake but really sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. It's been forever since I have posted a new blog...not because I forgot, just because I don't know how to say what I want to. Everything we have dreamed of is happening. We have a beautiful home for our Bella to grow up in along with a new little bebe growing in me as I type. Kyle finished his Master's Degree in Information Systems and now, he has gotten a new job which he will start in February. I know it's the week of Christmas but everything I have wanted (including a DSLR camera which I haved ached for forever) has already been given to me. It's been a few weeks since the changes have happened but I still can't quite believe it all. God is SO good, and I am SO small I just wonder sometimes how he could be orchestrating so much before we even know we need it.

Like with this job, if Kyle hadn't decided a year ago to go get his Master's, he wouldn't be getting this job and if he hadn't been in the middle of his getting his degree he probably wouldn't be in a level 3 position right now, and if he wasn't level 3 he would be getting a pay decrease and we would start paying for health insurance at the end of this week because his contracting company happened to get booted out by the end of December.

Also, with this new job we can afford for me to stay home next year and take care of the new baby. I can't tell you how much this means to me. I think it's quite possibly the most important thing in the world to get to spend that one on one time at home, as much as I love my job at the preschool, I am a Wife and Mother first.

On that note, being a Mother is very rewarding but very hard emotionally. I used to marvel at how parents were surprised when their children changed from one day to the next...I thought, surely they knew this was coming, right? Kids don't stay little forever, they have to change some time. But now I have become one of those parents. Isabella decided this week that she does not want my help any more when it comes to meal time, even messy, hard to eat foods like yogurt. I recognize in my mind that she needs to go through this stage, that I have to cheer for her as she becomes more independent but on the inside, I cry. Okay, and on the outside too. I know this means she is one step closer to bigger changes and I am so proud, but so scared because I want to freeze time. Freeze her silly phrases of "oh boy" and "I SEE you!!" and her excitement when she sees her Daddy, and the WAY that she says "Daddy" with such love and fun and innocence. Freeze her big, blue eyes and the way that she can hold my full attention just by looking at me with so much love. I need to capture every second in my heart and keep it there forever. Remember how this weekend when she opened her presents she loved every second of it. She said "oh! I LIKE it!" as she discovered her first puzzles and her eyes glowed when she got her very own baby stroller and it just was so wonderful to watch her eyes light up and say "WOW" when her Aunt Rachael set up her own little lady bug house to play in. I think more than anything though, I love watching her learn about Jesus. Just the small things like having a nativity scene and she gets so excited over baby Jesus, and the "wangel" and Mary and Joseph and the little farm animals. I love that when I sit in line at Starbucks I envision future years where she can learn the real fun is in giving, not receiving...I dream of her heart bursting to make someone else's Christmas full and beautiful. While she sleeps, I dream.

I dream for our unborn Baby, too. I wonder if it will be a boy or girl. What kind of personality and heart it will have. I wonder at how Bella will change when she has someone to look after. I hope that they are the best of friends. That they will encourage and help each other through life, and that at the end of the day, no matter what has happened, that they know in their hearts they will always stand by each other and be glad they have a forever friend. I look forward to relishing the baby days again...of marking the "firsts" for our new child, being careful to not let Bella feel left out.

There is so much in the world that a person can wish for but really, this Christmas, I have nothing left to wish for.

Change is in the air

Walking outside today is the only way I know to express the sensation in our little family right now. A change is in the air. Just like the weather, it has not completely given way to Fall but you can tell it's coming. Life is like that for us right now.

Kyle has three weeks...err, 18 days til he is FINISHED with grad school and will officially be a Master of Information Systems!!! This change is quite welcome because it has be a stressful thing to have to work full time, help me with Bella, and still find time to do school most days. Words cannot express how incredibly proud I am of him for making such a sacrifice for us so that he can support us financially and allow me to be a stayathomeworkparttimebecauseilovemyjob Mom. Aside from all that, though, as we have learned from graduating with a Bachelor's degree, the scary part is ahead...will that little piece of paper equal earning more money than what it cost to attain that education? I think so, but "in this economy" you just can't guarantee it. However, I choose to ignore the economy issue and focus on what really matters- putting faith in God that he will open whatever doors he sees fit. He has always provided for us in miraculous ways and I don't see why that would change now.

As for me I am fortunate enough to still have my position as a preschool teacher at SWC Preschool. It is my favorite thing (workwise) and I love that the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people to work with and that I learn so much from by just being in the same space. There is just nothing like seeing a child's eyes light up because you taught them something new or fun. For those of you wondering my sweet child is just down the hall in the nursery and is completely happy being there because the ladies take SUCH good care of her. I couldn't ask for a better situation for us both.

Being at the preschool has led me to many thoughts on what to do next year, however, because Bella will be 2 (really...does this not shock anyone else but me??? I cannot possibly fathom being a mother of a two year old in less than a year) when May rolls around. That means if I stay at my job, which I would love to do, then we have to choose whether to put her in the "Two's" class for Tues/Thurs or leave her in nursery all three days. Now for most people I'm sure this is not that hard of a decision but I have thought long and hard about it because to put her in a class means making her (almost) the very youngest in the whole class and waiting til next year she would be the oldest. Since we share the exact same birthday (awesome) I know first hand what it is like to be the oldest in a group of kids. Sometimes its great...sometimes not so much. You feel like you don't belong pretty frequently. But I don't know what being the youngest is like...probably challenging. But then if you have been around Bella lately she certainly is not daunted by a challenge. lol. So for now I think I am leaning towards letting her try the 2's class, just for fun because they do a lot of cute and fun projects that I know she would love and it would give us an idea of how she handles being the youngest in a group.

Bella.

What to say? She has grown so much. She already is in size 6 shoe! She is saying so many words and phrases. She loves learning. Reading books is ALWAYS on the daily list of things we do because many days (like this morning) while I am still lying in bed relaxing she goes in her room and brings multiple books for me to read to her while she sits in my lap all cozy. She has the best laugh in the world and a smile that floods my heart with joy every time I see it. Our favorite game with her right now is when she says "RUNnnnn" and she runs away and we chase after her all over the house. So.stinkin.cute. the way she runs with her arms above her head and a big grin on her sweet face. Her vocabulary is growing faster than I can keep up but some of her latest favorite things to say are her friends names: "Lucy" "Emmy" "Bowen" and she tries to say Gracie and Caleb but those are harder. The cutest thing she says right now is when she lifts up her arms and gives the wide eyed stare while saying "Hold YOU??" ...meaning she wants YOU to hold HER but she just repeats what I say when I ask "do you want me to hold you?" It melts my heart. I cannot even describe how much I love hearing her say it.

She likes shapes right now. She is pretty good with Circle, Square, Rectangle and Diamond and Heart. She pointed to my shorts this morning (which have little white hearts on them) and said "Heart" and pointed to her chest and said "beat beat, beat beat"...which I taught her a few weeks ago but I swear this girl doesn't forget a thing.

MONEY.

It's 11:19. Sleep calls, and so does my unpacked lunch for myself and Bella to be made. I should be doing that, or dishes, or anything else productive but sometimes, I just need to write.

So write I do.

I used to think the older you got the more simple life became (due to getting past hurtles and moving on). It seemed logical to me. Now, not so much. I have learned that the Bible is right in saying not to worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own. Planning is good, worrying, not so much. I have never what one would call a "worrier" no, not in the true sense of the word. As of late, though, I have been letting things worry my finite mind and unfortunately what weighs me down pulls those closest to me with them. I feel like I am going through professional identity crisis, only I don't really care so much about the identity part, just about the making money to contribute part. Money money MONEY. I don't care what anyone says, money matters. Not that it's the most important thing, just that it is actually important. We are called to be good stewards, and I believe that to be true of everything, money included.

So. My crisis comes because I can no longer choose just any profession I please to make money. I must keep my full time job as a Mom and Wife in the primary slot but still need a job that can give income year round to help pay off pesky loans and save for rainy days. This leads us to not so much what I should do but HOW can I do this? I was inspired to try my hand at writing articles but I am not so hot at that (yet). I am trying focus groups, which I love actually. I do not mind work, I enjoy it usually, I just would like a "niche" if you will, a corner of the professional world that belongs to me that I can do without limiting my #1 passions.

Well, anywho, so whenever I am kind of in a rut it's hard for me to keep things straight around the house because I already feel defeated before I begin. Sorry that sounds so depressing, but really I just am enough of a perfectionist that if I am failing at one thing it taints everything else. Now if you actually have been around for the past couple months you could clearly see we have been CRAZY blessed with everything I have ever wanted. Strong marriage, beautiful baby, cute house, promotions for Kyle so I could stay home with Bella (most of the time). I mean, really, there is nothing to complain about what.so.ever.

But then...there is just that nagging inside. I just want to pull my own weight financially, ya know? Be a team player. Maybe it's just because Kyle is working SO hard at his job and on a Master's Degree and side jobs that I feel like I need to even out the scale a bit, but honestly I just want to be out of debt, pronto! I hate owing anyone anything.

I will be praying for God to fulfill our needs and passions simultaneously.

Keep an open mind

This Monday morning finds me in a very wondering way. There are so many things that are just a matter of perspective, and how you are willing to change your mindset to fit a given perspective, that alter your life forever. This morning I am wondering why I have the perspectives that I do, and once I get to the root of that...then I wonder if the perspective I have is correct or in need of some tweaking. I suspect the latter. I will try not to get too deep into it but I find that the longer I am a Mother, the more I love it. That seems to be true for most ppl but the thing I wonder is, why do I have the boundaries that I do around being a mother? Like, how many children do I want to have seems to pop in my head quite frequently and I can't really come to a good answer. I love having just one, precious baby to dote on but every day I realize how fast she grows and that even though I love her and am proud of her each time she reaches a different milestone how much I can't fathom never getting to experience the previous stages again...which leads me to believe that I certainly do want another...but then what? What about after the second? And why does there need to be such a determined number? Now of course I immediately shift from nostalgia to memories of nausea because my pregnancy with Bella was anything but pleasant the majority of the time (not to mention gaining WAY too much weight than was necessary...oh, and the lovely c-section recovery time...) but, ASIDE from all that drama, children are such a blessing, I would argue the very biggest blessing, aside from a wonderful spouse, and why would we limit that? Finances, space, car capacities? These all are very real obstacles in the long run if you are a family like the Duggars and you happen to have 20ish kids running around but somehow they manage...and by somehow I mean God provides for them in abundance. They are not unhappy in their marriage, their children, while sheltered are still better behaved than the average 2.5 kid household and they seem to really understand the importance of things that MATTER instead of fighting over who gets to play Nintendo next. I really don't know what all of this means or if I have just been reading too many blogs about how wonderful life is with many little ones under foot but I guess what I want is not necessarily the size of the family so much as the size of the faith those families have. They trust God completely. I would like to say that I do but I don't think it's fair to say that when I am scared to death to grow out of our cute little 3 bedroom house and have to move. Logically, I know that it would not be that big of a deal, but truthfully it makes my heart ache to think of such a big change. Well, one more thing to pray about...time is slipping away and I must shower before that one child of mine awakes :)