Nothing Left to Wish For

I know I'm awake but really sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming. It's been forever since I have posted a new blog...not because I forgot, just because I don't know how to say what I want to. Everything we have dreamed of is happening. We have a beautiful home for our Bella to grow up in along with a new little bebe growing in me as I type. Kyle finished his Master's Degree in Information Systems and now, he has gotten a new job which he will start in February. I know it's the week of Christmas but everything I have wanted (including a DSLR camera which I haved ached for forever) has already been given to me. It's been a few weeks since the changes have happened but I still can't quite believe it all. God is SO good, and I am SO small I just wonder sometimes how he could be orchestrating so much before we even know we need it.

Like with this job, if Kyle hadn't decided a year ago to go get his Master's, he wouldn't be getting this job and if he hadn't been in the middle of his getting his degree he probably wouldn't be in a level 3 position right now, and if he wasn't level 3 he would be getting a pay decrease and we would start paying for health insurance at the end of this week because his contracting company happened to get booted out by the end of December.

Also, with this new job we can afford for me to stay home next year and take care of the new baby. I can't tell you how much this means to me. I think it's quite possibly the most important thing in the world to get to spend that one on one time at home, as much as I love my job at the preschool, I am a Wife and Mother first.

On that note, being a Mother is very rewarding but very hard emotionally. I used to marvel at how parents were surprised when their children changed from one day to the next...I thought, surely they knew this was coming, right? Kids don't stay little forever, they have to change some time. But now I have become one of those parents. Isabella decided this week that she does not want my help any more when it comes to meal time, even messy, hard to eat foods like yogurt. I recognize in my mind that she needs to go through this stage, that I have to cheer for her as she becomes more independent but on the inside, I cry. Okay, and on the outside too. I know this means she is one step closer to bigger changes and I am so proud, but so scared because I want to freeze time. Freeze her silly phrases of "oh boy" and "I SEE you!!" and her excitement when she sees her Daddy, and the WAY that she says "Daddy" with such love and fun and innocence. Freeze her big, blue eyes and the way that she can hold my full attention just by looking at me with so much love. I need to capture every second in my heart and keep it there forever. Remember how this weekend when she opened her presents she loved every second of it. She said "oh! I LIKE it!" as she discovered her first puzzles and her eyes glowed when she got her very own baby stroller and it just was so wonderful to watch her eyes light up and say "WOW" when her Aunt Rachael set up her own little lady bug house to play in. I think more than anything though, I love watching her learn about Jesus. Just the small things like having a nativity scene and she gets so excited over baby Jesus, and the "wangel" and Mary and Joseph and the little farm animals. I love that when I sit in line at Starbucks I envision future years where she can learn the real fun is in giving, not receiving...I dream of her heart bursting to make someone else's Christmas full and beautiful. While she sleeps, I dream.

I dream for our unborn Baby, too. I wonder if it will be a boy or girl. What kind of personality and heart it will have. I wonder at how Bella will change when she has someone to look after. I hope that they are the best of friends. That they will encourage and help each other through life, and that at the end of the day, no matter what has happened, that they know in their hearts they will always stand by each other and be glad they have a forever friend. I look forward to relishing the baby days again...of marking the "firsts" for our new child, being careful to not let Bella feel left out.

There is so much in the world that a person can wish for but really, this Christmas, I have nothing left to wish for.

Change is in the air

Walking outside today is the only way I know to express the sensation in our little family right now. A change is in the air. Just like the weather, it has not completely given way to Fall but you can tell it's coming. Life is like that for us right now.

Kyle has three weeks...err, 18 days til he is FINISHED with grad school and will officially be a Master of Information Systems!!! This change is quite welcome because it has be a stressful thing to have to work full time, help me with Bella, and still find time to do school most days. Words cannot express how incredibly proud I am of him for making such a sacrifice for us so that he can support us financially and allow me to be a stayathomeworkparttimebecauseilovemyjob Mom. Aside from all that, though, as we have learned from graduating with a Bachelor's degree, the scary part is ahead...will that little piece of paper equal earning more money than what it cost to attain that education? I think so, but "in this economy" you just can't guarantee it. However, I choose to ignore the economy issue and focus on what really matters- putting faith in God that he will open whatever doors he sees fit. He has always provided for us in miraculous ways and I don't see why that would change now.

As for me I am fortunate enough to still have my position as a preschool teacher at SWC Preschool. It is my favorite thing (workwise) and I love that the Lord has blessed me with wonderful people to work with and that I learn so much from by just being in the same space. There is just nothing like seeing a child's eyes light up because you taught them something new or fun. For those of you wondering my sweet child is just down the hall in the nursery and is completely happy being there because the ladies take SUCH good care of her. I couldn't ask for a better situation for us both.

Being at the preschool has led me to many thoughts on what to do next year, however, because Bella will be 2 (really...does this not shock anyone else but me??? I cannot possibly fathom being a mother of a two year old in less than a year) when May rolls around. That means if I stay at my job, which I would love to do, then we have to choose whether to put her in the "Two's" class for Tues/Thurs or leave her in nursery all three days. Now for most people I'm sure this is not that hard of a decision but I have thought long and hard about it because to put her in a class means making her (almost) the very youngest in the whole class and waiting til next year she would be the oldest. Since we share the exact same birthday (awesome) I know first hand what it is like to be the oldest in a group of kids. Sometimes its great...sometimes not so much. You feel like you don't belong pretty frequently. But I don't know what being the youngest is like...probably challenging. But then if you have been around Bella lately she certainly is not daunted by a challenge. lol. So for now I think I am leaning towards letting her try the 2's class, just for fun because they do a lot of cute and fun projects that I know she would love and it would give us an idea of how she handles being the youngest in a group.

Bella.

What to say? She has grown so much. She already is in size 6 shoe! She is saying so many words and phrases. She loves learning. Reading books is ALWAYS on the daily list of things we do because many days (like this morning) while I am still lying in bed relaxing she goes in her room and brings multiple books for me to read to her while she sits in my lap all cozy. She has the best laugh in the world and a smile that floods my heart with joy every time I see it. Our favorite game with her right now is when she says "RUNnnnn" and she runs away and we chase after her all over the house. So.stinkin.cute. the way she runs with her arms above her head and a big grin on her sweet face. Her vocabulary is growing faster than I can keep up but some of her latest favorite things to say are her friends names: "Lucy" "Emmy" "Bowen" and she tries to say Gracie and Caleb but those are harder. The cutest thing she says right now is when she lifts up her arms and gives the wide eyed stare while saying "Hold YOU??" ...meaning she wants YOU to hold HER but she just repeats what I say when I ask "do you want me to hold you?" It melts my heart. I cannot even describe how much I love hearing her say it.

She likes shapes right now. She is pretty good with Circle, Square, Rectangle and Diamond and Heart. She pointed to my shorts this morning (which have little white hearts on them) and said "Heart" and pointed to her chest and said "beat beat, beat beat"...which I taught her a few weeks ago but I swear this girl doesn't forget a thing.

MONEY.

It's 11:19. Sleep calls, and so does my unpacked lunch for myself and Bella to be made. I should be doing that, or dishes, or anything else productive but sometimes, I just need to write.

So write I do.

I used to think the older you got the more simple life became (due to getting past hurtles and moving on). It seemed logical to me. Now, not so much. I have learned that the Bible is right in saying not to worry about tomorrow, for today has enough trouble of its own. Planning is good, worrying, not so much. I have never what one would call a "worrier" no, not in the true sense of the word. As of late, though, I have been letting things worry my finite mind and unfortunately what weighs me down pulls those closest to me with them. I feel like I am going through professional identity crisis, only I don't really care so much about the identity part, just about the making money to contribute part. Money money MONEY. I don't care what anyone says, money matters. Not that it's the most important thing, just that it is actually important. We are called to be good stewards, and I believe that to be true of everything, money included.

So. My crisis comes because I can no longer choose just any profession I please to make money. I must keep my full time job as a Mom and Wife in the primary slot but still need a job that can give income year round to help pay off pesky loans and save for rainy days. This leads us to not so much what I should do but HOW can I do this? I was inspired to try my hand at writing articles but I am not so hot at that (yet). I am trying focus groups, which I love actually. I do not mind work, I enjoy it usually, I just would like a "niche" if you will, a corner of the professional world that belongs to me that I can do without limiting my #1 passions.

Well, anywho, so whenever I am kind of in a rut it's hard for me to keep things straight around the house because I already feel defeated before I begin. Sorry that sounds so depressing, but really I just am enough of a perfectionist that if I am failing at one thing it taints everything else. Now if you actually have been around for the past couple months you could clearly see we have been CRAZY blessed with everything I have ever wanted. Strong marriage, beautiful baby, cute house, promotions for Kyle so I could stay home with Bella (most of the time). I mean, really, there is nothing to complain about what.so.ever.

But then...there is just that nagging inside. I just want to pull my own weight financially, ya know? Be a team player. Maybe it's just because Kyle is working SO hard at his job and on a Master's Degree and side jobs that I feel like I need to even out the scale a bit, but honestly I just want to be out of debt, pronto! I hate owing anyone anything.

I will be praying for God to fulfill our needs and passions simultaneously.

Keep an open mind

This Monday morning finds me in a very wondering way. There are so many things that are just a matter of perspective, and how you are willing to change your mindset to fit a given perspective, that alter your life forever. This morning I am wondering why I have the perspectives that I do, and once I get to the root of that...then I wonder if the perspective I have is correct or in need of some tweaking. I suspect the latter. I will try not to get too deep into it but I find that the longer I am a Mother, the more I love it. That seems to be true for most ppl but the thing I wonder is, why do I have the boundaries that I do around being a mother? Like, how many children do I want to have seems to pop in my head quite frequently and I can't really come to a good answer. I love having just one, precious baby to dote on but every day I realize how fast she grows and that even though I love her and am proud of her each time she reaches a different milestone how much I can't fathom never getting to experience the previous stages again...which leads me to believe that I certainly do want another...but then what? What about after the second? And why does there need to be such a determined number? Now of course I immediately shift from nostalgia to memories of nausea because my pregnancy with Bella was anything but pleasant the majority of the time (not to mention gaining WAY too much weight than was necessary...oh, and the lovely c-section recovery time...) but, ASIDE from all that drama, children are such a blessing, I would argue the very biggest blessing, aside from a wonderful spouse, and why would we limit that? Finances, space, car capacities? These all are very real obstacles in the long run if you are a family like the Duggars and you happen to have 20ish kids running around but somehow they manage...and by somehow I mean God provides for them in abundance. They are not unhappy in their marriage, their children, while sheltered are still better behaved than the average 2.5 kid household and they seem to really understand the importance of things that MATTER instead of fighting over who gets to play Nintendo next. I really don't know what all of this means or if I have just been reading too many blogs about how wonderful life is with many little ones under foot but I guess what I want is not necessarily the size of the family so much as the size of the faith those families have. They trust God completely. I would like to say that I do but I don't think it's fair to say that when I am scared to death to grow out of our cute little 3 bedroom house and have to move. Logically, I know that it would not be that big of a deal, but truthfully it makes my heart ache to think of such a big change. Well, one more thing to pray about...time is slipping away and I must shower before that one child of mine awakes :)

The first will not be forgotten

This blog is Ode to Isabella Selene.

Bella, I know you will not read this until much later, and I know you probably won't understand it until you have a child of your own, but my heart is so full that I must write what I feel or I fear I will never get to tell you all that I know and love about you in your first year of life.

When I first met you I marveled at everything you did...every look, expression, movement of your tiny fingers. I took note that you were both very strong and very observant and often had an expression of "awe" upon your darling face and made a very distinct "O" with your little lips. At first I thought it was just me who marveled at your beautiful blue eyes and your adorable features but I soon ventured into the world with you nestled in my arms, my constant companion, and I learned I was not alone in my admiration. Everywhere I go people want to stop and look at you, talk to you, even offer to take you home! I thought having a baby was going to be this thing that was always so much harder than it looked but though there are hard moments I must say you make everything more fun...even going to the grocery store is enjoyable when you are with me!

Your Daddy and I have taken you many places! To the beach twice already, to the park often, to the aquarium which you liked I think, to the doctor for shots :(, to restaurants and parties and even to the movies a couple of times! You have been to beautiful weddings and seen stunning sunrises. You have swam in pools and swung in a swing. We love taking you places and watching your big blue eyes light up with excitement!

You are so smart and sweet and incredibly social and I love the way you bring joy to whoever we happen to be around. I don't understand how one little baby could bring so many people joy but you do...you are such a joy, dearest Bella, and I could not be more proud of you. I love your laugh, I love your pout, I love how you play peek-a-boo with me and Daddy with your favorite blanket. I love that you stand at our screen door and delight in "quacking" a the cat because animals are your favorite thing! I love how when you reach for someone it makes their face light up. I love that you are a part of our friends just as much as we are and that you are fun to bring to parties, get togethers and that even at a funeral you can make people smile.

Some things about you right now: you love yogurt, blueberries, ice cream, phones, shoes, animals, babies, riding your pink horse, putting things in water glasses, crawling under and over things. You hate: sand on your feet, the feeling of grass, squash, being ignored, having your diaper changed, being held back from what you want!! You love going to the nursery at church while I work and bouncing in the little bouncy chair. You say the words "Mama" "Dada" "ba(ll)" "uh-oh" and "WOW." You are not walking really yet but you have attempted it twice already!

This year our birthday falls on a VERY busy week. There are other birthdays, graduations, parties, events, and Mother's Day this week...oh, and we are trying to buy a house for you to have to grow up in and have a yard to play in but somehow all of that seems less important than your birthday. This is a celebration of your first year of life, and no matter how hectic things get, I will focus on you for the day and I will show you as much love as humanly possible and take pictures, and even though you won't remember it, I will, and your birthday will not be forgotten...because you are an unforgettable person and that is worth celebrating!

I love you, Isabella Selene, my precious daughter...you have my heart!
Love your Mommy